I remember in year 2 there was a girl who had literally never had a haircut so her hair was ridiculously long [imagine Rapunzel basically] and she always complained about it but her mum wouldn’t let her get it cut
So one day at recess she put an entire pack of chewed gum in her hair at the exact length she wanted it cut to.
She came in the next day with her hair cut how she wanted it and a smug grin on her face and I knew that that girl was going places.
SO AT WORK TODAY I WALKED IN AND MY MANAGER WAS ON THE GROUND CRYING AND I WAS LIKE KIM WHAT’S WRONG AND SHE POINTS TO THE ORDER SCREEN AND IT SAYS WE NEED TO MAKE 2000 PIZZAS BY 6 PM SO I CALLED THE GUY AND HE WAS LIKE “I MEANT TO ORDER 20 PIZZAS OH MY GOD I’M SO SORRY I’M ON MOBILE” AND I’VE NEVER LAUGHED THAT HARD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE
when u have ur music on shuffle and u hear the first note of welcome to the black parade
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.